Hello & Goodbye

I said goodbye to the job I have loved for over 5 years now. I shot my last wedding I have on the books this past Saturday, for a while at least. For the sake of laying out there, I still get plenty of inquiries and everything looks amazing – but to every single one God has said no. There is no explanation. Only a closed door. It feels scary to type this out because I still have hopes that I’ll do some here and there. I have LOVED loved LOVED every minute, and feel so overwhelmingly thankful for the privilege God has given me over these years. Never in a million years did I see myself becoming a wedding photographer. It has been such sweet years of growth, learning how to find my feet as a business owner and wife, then minister’s wife, mama, etc…It was just when I felt totally confident in my system, workflow and had been doing it long enough to feel so comfortable with my clients. I enjoyed the knowledge and experience and utilizing it to anticipate their needs. It truly brought me joy to serve however I could on these special, monumental days. Every single wedding has a special place in my heart. Every one was a true joy and honor. I cannot thank God enough for giving me this work, using it to grow my faith, to draw me closer to Him and bring such incredible people into my life. So many sweet friendships have been made and and beautiful places visited. It filled my soul. His gifts are good.

And now I say goodbye…

As I drove away from dropping of the girls to go work for what might be the last time, my heart was overcome with incredible peace. This, I know, is also a gift from the Lord. All of my flesh still wants it, still hopes, still wishes to hold on to what I’ve known and loved. But HIS ways are higher. He has so sweetly prepared me for this moment and my heart knows I must let go for whatever the future holds. I am so thankful to still be booking other portrait sessions, commercial, lifestyle and otherwise…but it is not the same as the thrill (or income) of weddings. Yet my heart is confident and my whole being rejoices. I can’t explain this sweet peace or His nearness. I’m saying goodbye to one of the biggest parts of my life, the creative fuel for my artistic heart and what has become part of me I thought I’d never part from. It’s always been His, from the moment He put it in my lap after asking me to quit my full-time job – to now. I know that it’s never been “mine” but after so long of “having it” it was hard to say goodbye.

During labor with Genevieve, God gave me the imagery of a boat being rocked by the waves. Now, I see I was tied to the dock. He had work to do. My ship had to be tied down, stripped and made ready for a new voyage. I was weighed down, but now I’m free of the things that would hold me back from this new journey. I don’t know exactly what He did, but it’s done and He’s beckoning onward. He’s loosing the ropes and now we’re off.

And now I say hello…

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. God has totally changed my heart and life in the last year. I can’t say I enjoyed the year or so of His stripping, pruning and discipline but I am thankful for it. The fog is clearing and He’s just now beginning to give me a vision for what lies ahead. He’s teaching me joy and faithfulness in the very, very small and menial things. Because they are important. He wants 100% of me invested in what is right in front of me every day. Most days, that is my two precious girls. (And what an incredible blessing they are! What an undeserved gift.) I’ve stopped fighting the pull to homeschooling. I’ve started enjoying finding new and innovative ways to make our home efficient and economical. Sometimes it’s good for the artist to stop creating and teach others instead. And maybe that will be more of what this season is about. I really don’t know! It’s half thrilling, half terrifying to have absolutely NO IDEA what God wants of me, other than my every day faithfulness. However, I do know this: GOD HAS BEEN SO FAITHFUL. Tears well up in my eyes every time I think about it. I worried about if I needed to totally shut down or not, but He said “Trust me. Be faithful with TODAY.” When I obey, He provides. Every time! Just when things start to look interesting, I’ll book something or we’ll get an unexpected gift. When I start to crave who I was, but instead look to Him and say “I am who YOU SAY I am.” Then, He gives me a piece of a song, the opportunity to travel or something to experience or create. When I grow tired of the tiny budget for “things” or grow weary of food prep, He ignites my joy and creativity for our home. He knows! He knows. He doesn’t owe any of this to me! He could strip away all the parts of my artistic heart, never make any more art in my life, and it would be so much more than I deserve. And yet He overflows my cup with what only He could give. It is astounding and such a grace that is overwhelming me with such joy and thankfulness. After all my struggle with the many levels (especially finance and identity) of letting this go, He still fills me up. My creator knows me, how He wired me and fills all the gaps He cut out of my life. He always does. He is always good. It’s just easy to doubt when our human eyes see lack. “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3)

So hello new season. I’m all in. I’m 100% here, showing up, excited for what is to come. I’m light. I’m free. I’m hopeful! It really makes no sense on paper how or why God has closed off this part of what I’ve known, what I loved and something I knew He was using for His glory. And yet I have never felt more peace in all of my life. He is undoubtably here in this boat with me and up to something beautiful. My hands are totally and completely off the wheel and He has full control. I’m just a willing vessel for His will, wherever that leads from here. Farewell to all I’ve known up until this point. I’m with you God. I gladly greet whatever you have ahead…