For the sake of remembering…because I can’t remember 2 seconds ago

It’s been a little hard to blog lately, even though I have so much to catch up on these days. Plus, I have a lot on my heart too. #PregnantWithAToddler Anyway, I did want to humorously write down a bit of my current state these days…because I know all too well I will forget in a few months, wait scratch that, probably in 2 minutes. So here is the real deal with what it’s like to be 3 weeks away from my due date this time around:

What is sleep? I can’t remember. About 2 weeks ago (I think? lol!) something hit a switch in my body/ brain and I’m lucky if I get 4 consecutive hours. Last night I did end up in the bed more than I have lately, but I woke up every 2 hours like clockwork and dozed back off maybe 30 minutes after each potty break…because hey, might as well try to be more comfortable while I’m awake. Fell asleep around midnight…got up around 6ish. That was a good night. You can see how things have been going…Due to this, I’m staying completely incoherent things all the time and Elle will often repeat herself 3 or 4 times before it actually registers that she’s talking to me. Poor kid. Brain, brain, where art thou? Thankfully, I did get through my final wedding and shoot last week and all I have to do is cull, sort, edit, etc and once the film comes back. My goal is to finish it all before baby gets here. No big right? I’m totally sane in thinking I can do that along with washing ALL THE THINGS that Elle made disgusting as an infant. She also likes to play with said things I’ve washed, and you know, step on them with her shoes…drag them around the house where our dog has been. Maybe the bathroom. She’s learning not to mess with baby’s stuff, but I understand it’s so tantalizing. It’s like a room full of new things to play with, and it’s too irresistible not to venture in while I’m trying to stuff my pregnant belly into a shirt or something…So you can say we’ve done a lot of washing.

I say all this tongue in cheek, because I am incredibly thankful to be part brain-dead and having to wash all-the-thing for this sweet little life. Plus, I do all of this to myself. Hello, if I just waited until the last minute to wash then Elle wouldn’t have so long to get it all dirty time and time again! But we’ve already established I’m not sane right now. I’m ok with it. It actually helps to have a mile long list of things to do because it distracts me from being so tired, uncomfortable and achy. I could organize in my sleep. Just don’t ask me to lay on the couch – it’s torture unless I feel like I’ve crossed off a million things from “The List“ – then, around 7PM, it’s ok to take a hot shower and slump into an immensely pregnant ball of exhaustion. I keep hoping that will help me sleep at night, but alas…I should probably change my tactics, but only a sane person would do that.

I do remember, sort of in this foggy-brain state, that I wasn’t the best person to be around once I hit 37-38 weeks last time. 39 and 40? Haha! It only got worse. I think part of that came from all the people saying “you’ll definitely have her early” or “any day now” and such. Don’t expect to be on time pregnant people of the world! It’s not good for the shred of sanity there is left to grasp onto so close to the end. My mother told me that she called me one day (because I don’t remember this at all) and I answered with, “What do you want?” Ha! I’m thankful they didn’t hold it against me. Thank you saintly people that love me! Knowing that, and also not knowing what is actually coming out of my mouth these days, I’d like a sign to put on my forehead that states: “Please disregard me. I’m very tired and very pregnant.” I hope to be a bit nicer of a person this time around, so I think I’m over compensating too much. Like, “I’m so sorry if I say anything offensive or rude. Sorry I didn’t text you back! Sorry I didn’t hear you! Sorry, I couldn’t stay! Sorry! It’s just so easy to be selfish when you’re so sleep-deprived or say things you don’t mean. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Probably too much right? Thankfully, no one thinks about you or what you say as much as you think they do. THANKFULLY right? But I’m still covering my bases I guess. When do I get that sign? Let’s print it up for real.

At least I’m not counting on having baby early, but I’d still like to be ready. I’d also still like to have a long list of things to do to distract me if she is a week late like her big sister. I don’t know. It makes more sense in my head. Whatever it takes to cope right? Organizing. Chick-fil-A milkshakes. Jesus. Lifelines. Oh, and the new episodes of Sophia the First when I do have to lay down and simultaneously keep track of my child. Bless. I’m also thankful to know I probably won’t come out of this fog for another few months. It does get better when the baby is out and you can finally sleep on your stomach again (praise hands) but sleep is still this elusive thing of the past for some time to come. And the hormones. Ew! I remember, sort of, not feeling quite in control of all my faculties post-baby either. It does lift for a brief, beautiful few days after the sweet one’s arrival, but it doesn’t last. I’m just glad to at least have a bit more of a clue this time. And, as Jonathan says to me often, this too shall pass.

No season is forever and I’m so thankful I get to be in this fog and I have the privilege of not sleeping for months on end in order to bring this beautiful life God has given into the world. It is a joy and a privilege. I think that’s part of the reason I like my projects so much. It’s something physical I can do to get ready for her while God is “knitting together” her form, that he has known and loved long before I will. As I’m only further exhausting myself, I am one, hanging on to sanity, and two, preparing for this incredible gift to enter our lives. I’m working so things will go more smoothly as we transition. I’m trying to fit in all the things for Elle I won’t be able to do after baby arrives. I’m trying to meal plan and craft and sort so that we can simply cherish her first fleeting months of life. Maybe that is sane after all, or maybe probably not. Either way, this is where I am. It’s laughable, but also incredibly precious. And I’d do it all over again in a fraction of a heartbeat.