Expectations & Motherhood

Before Jonathan and I got married, we went through marriage counseling. One of our biggest take-always was to let go of our expectations for marriage and what we think our spouse should do and be. (Now that we’re parents, I think kid counseling should be highly encouraged before having babies! Ha!) I’m learning that I need to do the same in regard to having a child too. She was four weeks old here…so tiny and frail. When I look at these images I hardly recognize the girl in them. I’m a mom. I’m a mom? We’re 7 weeks in and it still doesn’t feel real. Parenthood is not what I thought thus far…although I’m not sure what I thought it would be. Everyday I’ve had to let go of the little things I thought or hoped might be our reality and accept what is right in front of me.

I’ve had to let go of expectations for our marriage. I honestly loved being where we were in our relationship. We had a groove. And it was a good one. We’ve had to work through plenty, but we found a good place. Now parenthood is thrown into the mix, which hasn’t changed anything but has changed everything at the same time. We had our 3 1/2 years to savor just us and it was time. I have to figure out how to still put him first even though there is a tiny human with claims on all my energy. I am first a wife, then a mama. That’s going to take a while to figure out. I cannot let any sort of expectation for me or Jonathan take away the joy of figuring out our new groove together. There is so much I want to be, but for now being a good wife looks like still doing the laundry and making sure he knows he’s still my favorite. Romance looks like taking turns sleeping. I can’t expect too much right now. We will grow and learn. As long as we keep at it together, stay honest and continue to love we will be just fine. It will be different than before, but that’s ok.

I’ve had to let go of my expectations for my body. This is a big one. Bringing a baby into the world has changed me forever. Our little Elle left her mark. I probably had more secret hopes and expectations for myself in this area than any other. I struggle with body image like most every girl does. I had a hard enough time loving everything about myself physically before I got pregnant, then I went though all the changes pregnancy brings! Once I started growing a life inside me, the thought of never being able to even go back to how I was seemed almost unbearable. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m so proud of what my body has been capable of doing. I’m so grateful to have housed a miracle. I’m so honored to bear the stripes of motherhood, but that doesn’t make it easier to embrace the new me I see in the mirror. I’m having to let go of the hopes for what I wanted to get back to and not let that consume me. I’m trying to be ok with the fact that the number might not ever get back to where it was and that a good bit of my closet may have to be retired. As long as I’m living a healthy lifestyle and taking care of myself, I can’t ask for more. I also can’t expect to go through something so altering and snap back like nothing happened. Wishful thinking won’t make it any better. I will get stronger again but that isn’t the most important thing right now. I CAN and WILL learn to give myself grace and find gratitude for being incredibly blessed in so many ways.

I’ve had to let to of expectations for my work life. Trying to find balance between being a mama and running a business has been really hard. I knew from the get-go that I’d need some help. I don’t feel bad about that in the slightest. I have no doubt that being away from my baby to do the job I love makes me a better person and mom. I also don’t feel bad about enjoying the mornings that I have to myself in the office. It’s refreshing and rejuvenating. I love my girl, but I don’t miss her while I’m working. Am I ready to get back and see her again when I’m done? Absolutely. I don’t think I could be a good mom without my job. It’s as much a part of me as she is. However, I feel like I never have enough time for work. I want to separate work from family life, but that is really hard. I haven’t figured it all out yet. Maybe I need more office hours or maybe I just need to learn how to multitask a little better. I don’t know. I hoped it would all come easily, but I’m learning to let go of my image of a perfect work and home life. I just have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes I have to put work on hold for her and others times I may need to be ok with more hours in the office. I know God will guide me as He has thus far in my business. He gets credit for where I am anyway. He will sustain me for the task He has in store.

I’ve had to let go of expectations for my little Eleanora. She is her own person and may not act how I hope or wish sometimes. She is a great baby, but I can’t say everything is perfect. We haven’t mastered sleeping though the night yet. (Although, she did go 7 hours last nigh! Praises!) I’ve had far too many nights than I care to count without sleep. She had a terrible case of baby rash/acne and there was nothing I could do to make it go away. She has a slight milk intolerance and I have to stay away from dairy. I thought we’d have a better schedule by now, but we’re still working on it. I have an idea of how things might go with her and I’ve read about what could happen, but I can’t really expect those things from her when the books say they’ll happen. What works for most babies may not work for Elle. I have to be ok with that. We will both learn and grow together. No matter what happens, we will be ok! These little things aren’t the end of the world, even though it may seem like it in the moment! I can only expect so much of myself too. I’m not super-human. It upsets me sometimes that I can only handle so much. I’m a driven person and go-getter by nature, so not being able to “go” sometimes can be a little disappointing. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and savor these moments. On Tuesdays, we have a mommy and baby girl day…just the two of us. So far, I love having a whole day that I only focus on her. She is growing so fast and these days are already passing so quickly! 

All in all, I’m thankful for this journey. I’m so glad I have the honor of doing life with Jonathan and Eleanora. They are more than I deserve. Although this has been more about the hard things I’m learning, life holds so much joy. There have been moments where I know I’ve never been happier. Still, at the same time I believe that is a choice. I love those two and will gladly make sacrifices for them. I look forward to how God will stretch and teach me in this season of life. I can let go of all my expectations because His ways are best.

“God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.” (Jim Elliot)